I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
