I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
