Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(650): View more from California

So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back

(971): View more from Oregon

You should go to counseling for that

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.

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(312): View more from Illinois

The Easter sex puns were too abundant

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