last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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