You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I want a musical about memes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
