im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
