My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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