Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize