my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
