My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
