I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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