It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
