why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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