Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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