my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
These tits shall not be calmed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
