Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
