and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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