I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
