We're like a lot better than the average bears
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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