When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
