all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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