you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
