there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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