I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
