Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
