11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
