you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
