After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
