My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
