I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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