I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
