i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
