We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
