I feel like abortions should bother me more
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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