Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
