New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
