hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
