im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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