I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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