I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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