I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
