do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
