I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize