he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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