She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
