Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
