I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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