What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
