It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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