I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
