I'd wear matching sweaters with you
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
