Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
