We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
