I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
