Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
