i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
